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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
 Posted - 07/29/2009 : 03:51:55
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I saw a sort of joke-of-the-day thread on GIM and thought this would be a nice touch here to help lighten things up when we feel like throwing zincs at each other.
Among my personal faves:
Did you hear about the paranoid person with low self-esteem?
He was afraid nobody important was out to get him
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef. 
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And then tonight at work...it just so happened that one of the urinals in the men's restroom had been out of order for a couple days, but despite an "out of order" sign taped to the top of it, I guess people kept using it. So finally someone put a trash bag over the urinal to help, um, stop the leaks. At about 8 a.m. this morning, someone will walk in and see the decoration that I added:
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Be prepared...and prepared to help: http://www.survivalblog.com/charity.html
Are you ready spiritually for hard times? http://www.posttribrapture.com |
Edited by - Nickelless on 07/29/2009 03:54:21 |
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wholelottabon
Penny Sorter Member
USA
73 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2009 : 05:52:41
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stop me if you've heard this one....
Satan walks into a local congregation one Sunday morning. The worshippers start running, scrambling for the exits. All of them but one old man. Satan strolls over to the old man sitting in the pew.
"Hey," Satan says "aint you gonna run?"
"Nope," says the old man "aint gonna run"
"Well...dont you know who I am?" asks Satan.
"Oh yeah...I know who you are" the old man asnwers.
"Well then...aint you scared?" asks a confused Satan.
"Nope...been married to your sister for over 48 years" answers the old man. |
Democrats + Republicans = Gambino's + Gotti's |
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slickeast
1000+ Penny Miser Member
USA
1356 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2009 : 06:45:45
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quote:
Originally posted by Nickelless
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef.
My 5 year old tells that joke to everyone...they love it
She adds one more part
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef. But no one can pee soup!! |
You don't have to be the BEST you just have to be.......SLICK
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Ant
Moderator
USA
844 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2009 : 09:46:21
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What did the girl cell phone say to the boy cell phone?
"We're breaking up." |
No, man. You gotta keep goin'. What am I gonna do? Quit? That's not an option. Life's a garden. Dig it? You make it work for you. You never give up, man. That's my philosophy. --Joe Dirt
Lovely dimes, the liveliest coin, the one that really jingles. --Truman Capote
Wag more, bark less. |
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Delawhere Jack
1000+ Penny Miser Member
USA
1289 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2009 : 18:31:10
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I don't know any jokes clean enough to post....
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You cannot argue with Tyranny, you must defeat it. |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2009 : 04:21:32
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Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell." |
Be prepared...and prepared to help: http://www.survivalblog.com/charity.html
Are you ready spiritually for hard times? http://www.posttribrapture.com |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2009 : 04:27:46
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And some of my favorite bar jokes...
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
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A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
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Two bartenders walk into a joke...
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Excuse me, where is the bar tender?"
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Two dyslexics walk into a bra... |
Be prepared...and prepared to help: http://www.survivalblog.com/charity.html
Are you ready spiritually for hard times? http://www.posttribrapture.com |
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keys
Penny Collector Member
356 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2009 : 19:51:14
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I don't know if you will like this joke but here goes-
Rob and Bob are both walking in the park.
Rob sees a frog and says to Bob "I bet you $50 you won't eat that frog."
Bob picks up the frog, gulps him down and wins the $50.
A little while later Bob spots a frog and says to Rob "I bet YOU $50 you won't eat that frog."
Rob picks up the frog, gulps him down and wins the $50.
A little while later Bob turns to Rob and asks
"Why did we eat those frogs?"
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I change with the times-
but like silver coins found in your change
I stay the same.
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The United States of America started out as the new Republic of Rome.
Will The United States of America end up as the New Imperial Rome? |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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redneck
Penny Hoarding Member
894 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2009 : 22:12:33
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quote:
Originally posted by Nickelless
I could use a couple greenbacks myself.
You mean a couple of these...?
> |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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jadedragon
Administrator
Canada
2808 Posts |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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wolvesdad
Penny Hoarding Member
USA
750 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2009 : 03:21:49
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Be careful of those funny looking greenbacks...
I hear they have a contract written in invisible ink, that if you spend one of them, you are handing over your soul to Karl Marx. |
"May your percentages ever increase!"
Will buy any quantity of .999 Canadian Nickels at current spot - shipped (US Address). |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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Market Harmony
Penny Hoarding Member
USA
699 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2009 : 21:27:56
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edit: not sure if this is the right thread, but it made me laugh
GUESS WHICH ONE...Just takes a minute...
Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!
NFL OR NBA?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectlybankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71repeat71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL
?
Give up yet?
Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the newest
United States Congress
The same group of people that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line. Wow |
Market Harmony
Producer of rare and unique Gold, Silver, and Copper bullion products. Also offering PM refining services. |
Edited by - Market Harmony on 08/03/2009 21:29:50 |
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NotABigDeal
1000+ Penny Miser Member
USA
3250 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2009 : 21:41:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Market Harmony
edit: not sure if this is the right thread, but it made me laugh
GUESS WHICH ONE...Just takes a minute...
Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!
NFL OR NBA?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectlybankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71repeat71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL
?
Give up yet?
Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the newest
United States Congress
The same group of people that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line. Wow
I don't doubt it if it is actually worse. Can't say I'm suprised.
Deal |
Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it harder for sober people to own cars.
If you want peace, prepare for war. |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2009 : 18:47:40
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A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger..'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis or the
swine flu crisis?' and he smiles.
'OK', she said. 'Those could be interesting and timely topics. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'
The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
banking when you don't know crap?' |
Be prepared...and prepared to help: http://www.survivalblog.com/charity.html
Are you ready spiritually for hard times? http://www.posttribrapture.com |
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Ant
Moderator
USA
844 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2009 : 20:03:24
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ |
No, man. You gotta keep goin'. What am I gonna do? Quit? That's not an option. Life's a garden. Dig it? You make it work for you. You never give up, man. That's my philosophy. --Joe Dirt
Lovely dimes, the liveliest coin, the one that really jingles. --Truman Capote
Wag more, bark less. |
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Corsair
Penny Collector Member
485 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2009 : 20:25:24
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Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci."
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
Rorschach. |
Am I a good person doing bad things? Or a bad person doing good things? |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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Nickelless
Moderator
USA
4392 Posts |
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hobo finds
Penny Pincher Member
224 Posts |
Posted - 08/11/2009 : 21:36:27
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| Three Blonds Walking Thru The Forest. They come upon some tracks. The first one says "there bear tracks" The sceond says "there deer tracks" the third says "there moose tracks" Then the train hits them. |
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redneck
Penny Hoarding Member
894 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2009 : 19:19:46
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> Robot Bartender.........
>
>
>
> A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
> noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
> asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
> had ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered "oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
> 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
> etc.......
>
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
> different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
> and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
> This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
> Dodgers to do this weekend.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
>
> This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
> "A-r-e ? a-l-l ??? o-f ??? y-o-u ??? h-a-p-p-y ? w-i-t-h
>O-B-A-M-A?????
>
>
>
censored by request. |
Edited by - redneck on 08/15/2009 23:19:14 |
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Kurr
1000+ Penny Miser Member
USA
1685 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2009 : 20:02:16
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Two blondes walk into a bar...
... You would have thought the second one would have ducked! |
Selling coppers- 1.4 + shipping or trade, PM me!! ~100.00 (68lbs)Available~
"If my sons did not want wars, there would be none." ~ Gutle Schnaper, Mayer Amschel Rothschilds wife
A number of people are educated beyond, sometimes way beyond, their intelligence. - Tenbears
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Just for fun, joke of the day, misc. insanity, etc
